My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
