somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
