I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
