There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
