I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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