I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
