i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Randomize
