Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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