I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
