Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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