I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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