I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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