She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
