I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
