Plan B is the new Plan A
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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