i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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