apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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