Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Success! We fucked roommates!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
