You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Randomize
