I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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