I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
