It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
