Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
