I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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