Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
