I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
