you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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