Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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