I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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