the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
