im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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