I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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