we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My breasts were aching with rage.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
