he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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