things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
