i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
