I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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