Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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