Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
