watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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