Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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