I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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