I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
