i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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