i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
