So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Randomize
