So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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