How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Randomize
