i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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