Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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