people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
