At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
